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  #1  
Old 05-17-2018, 8:01 PM
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Default Divorce among LEOs?

Iíve been with my current department for about a year now. In that time Iíve seen six Deputies get divorced, that I know of. My beat partner told me itís just been a bad streak for us but Iím a bit unsettled. Iím not married and I feel like getting divorced as a LEO is almost an inevitable part of my future. Is my department unlucky? Or is this the norm?


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Old 05-17-2018, 8:06 PM
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Cops and doctors.
High stress job and a lot of time away from home. It can strain a relationship. Buddy of mine that retired 10 years ago was married 5 times (to 3 different women).
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Old 05-17-2018, 8:23 PM
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Lots of badge bunnies get tired of lack of time and attention and then divorce happens. Really kind of depends on department and location.
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Old 05-17-2018, 8:25 PM
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A divorced and IA’s, cleared IA’s but not divorce.
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Old 05-17-2018, 8:27 PM
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I wonder if it is higher divorce rate among LE or military? I thought LE suicide rate was a bit higher than average too?
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Old 05-17-2018, 8:31 PM
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I have family in the business....

From what I understand, the ones who openly communicate with the spouse stay married....

The ones who cannot articulate what they see, feel and deal with end up divorcing.



On a general note, my friends who got married and had not discussed
1- did they want to have kids or not
2- what religion would they follow? Sometimes when kids come up, religion changes
3- money - are they spenders or savers/ investors

Talk to the guys / girls who got married. Why did they get married? Why did they split?
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Old 05-17-2018, 8:34 PM
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Originally Posted by I Swan View Post
I thought LE suicide rate was a bit higher than average too?


This part is definitely true. Iíve been on this job 13 months and Iíve already seen a lot of messed up stuff and met people who I never thought existed just a few short years ago. If folks bottle it up I can see it having a bad effect down the road.


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Old 05-17-2018, 8:53 PM
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I figured you don't need to tell your spouse the more gruesome and difficult parts of being a cop or in military. The other stuff I agree with.

I know a guy that was with NYPD for a while in a tough precinct he said he got out as it was draining seeing the worst of humanity over the years like child abuse and such.
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Old 05-17-2018, 9:53 PM
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I posted a stat on FB earlier today, it said we have a 54% divorce rate. My partner commented he had a 100% divorce rate, he’s been married 5X.
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Old 05-17-2018, 9:55 PM
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Originally Posted by HAVOC5150 View Post
I posted a stat on FB earlier today, it said we have a 54% divorce rate. My partner commented he had a 100% divorce rate, heís been married 5X.


Thatís crazy..... If I got divorced more than twice Iíd probably stay a bachelor.


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Old 05-17-2018, 10:09 PM
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Was on the job a little over 30 years, married for 37. A marriage is what you make it.
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Old 05-17-2018, 10:31 PM
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I would be curious to see whether more cops stay married if they were married prior to LE work or if they get married after starting the job. We are hardly the only ones who have a mentally draining job; but if you don’t have a way to positively deal with the stress of working in such a toxic environment you will probably wind up bounced out due to bad conduct or become a suicide statistic..
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Old 05-17-2018, 11:09 PM
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When I worked patrol, I really enjoyed it. Loved it actually to the point where I put my job before my family. After things at home started going bad, made the decision to transfer to courts, A+ schedule. Will never put the job before my family again. Family life is good again.

One thing I have noticed, when I worked patrol, more than half the station was divorced. At courts, you'll one or two getting divorced. But Those that are, divorced while working patrol or at a specialized unit.

Never put the job before your family. If something happens, dept will hang you high and dry. Family will always be there for you.
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Old 05-18-2018, 8:08 AM
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Met my wife in '76, started the academy in '80, married her in '83, ret'd in '05...still married and loving her even more.

Don't rush in, talk, know what you're getting into, and don't be a stubborn fool. Stay flexible. Definitely have friends outside the job.
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  #15  
Old 05-18-2018, 8:23 AM
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Originally Posted by TRICKSTER View Post
Was on the job a little over 30 years, married for 37. A marriage is what you make it.
This,I know lots and lots of LEO's current and retired still on wife #1.


I have always spent my time off with and on my family. Lots of friends spent their time off golfing and doing other things to avoid their family.

Life is what you (not your job or friends) make it.
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Old 05-18-2018, 8:40 AM
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There is no secret to marriage or relationships. Actually itís almost science. 90 minutes a week spent talking is all it takes. Make dinner together and talk about life, bills, plans, just freaking talk. 90 minutes a week is not much. I would also advise at least two times a week you do something. Go grab frozen yogurt every Saturday, go to church, walk the same loop with the dog, but do something with them.

I think many Leoís end up not wanting to talk or go out because you see a darker side of the world, but that is your burden and you need to stand strong in the face of it.

Twice a week, 90 minutes spend talking. Thatís it.
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Old 05-18-2018, 8:53 AM
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I met my future wife on the job. She was a 19 year old Station Clerk. I was a 32 year old Deputy. Her Father was a Lt. for a surveillance unit. She was familiar with the routine, working weekends, holidays,birthdays, and all the other BS. We dated for 9 months before going to Las Vegas and ,,well that was 35+ years ago. Still Married and retirement is "Great"!!
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Old 05-18-2018, 9:54 AM
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I was divorced, but not because of my job... The former Mrs. SVT-40 had a job which caused her to travel, and we had a few other issues. We amicably divorced.

I remarried about 8 years later to a female Officer. We dated and lived together for four years prior to getting married In fact she had been one of my trainees 10 years earlier...

She had never been married.

We have been married now for 13 years.

She will retire next year...


If you look at the stats, female Officers have a much higher divorce rate when they were married before being hired. May men just can't handle having a wife who becomes a cop.

Yes the job makes relationships difficult. But you get out what you put in...
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Old 05-18-2018, 12:47 PM
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2nd a lot of the advice posted.

Communication is key. No surprise that this hasn’t changed regardless of the profession.



There are other sources such as emotional intelligence that is being circulated a lot now too.

www.blueeq.com
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Old 05-18-2018, 4:47 PM
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Where could one find that book?
It sounds like a book that should be in every cops library.
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  #21  
Old 05-18-2018, 5:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Sikvenum93 View Post
Thatís crazy..... If I got divorced more than twice Iíd probably stay a bachelor.


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Old 05-18-2018, 5:09 PM
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My wife and I married when I was a cadet officer. We've been married 41 years without any talk of divorce. I have several buddies that are at or around the 40 year mark too. Then again I know a lot of guys that couldn't keep it in their pants and have been divorced one or more times. Some people don't take vows and oaths seriously, I do. I think "job stress" is an excuse for some to destroy their relationship.
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Old 05-18-2018, 5:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Rogue187 View Post
Where could one find that book?
It sounds like a book that should be in every cops library.
https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_s...d=YZGUSUSKPX1X

Just in case I messed up the cut and paste... It is on Amazon. Just FYI 45 years married to the same lady.
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Old 05-18-2018, 5:42 PM
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I’ve been on the job for a year and half and have seen 4 divorces. One was just after the academy. I was married 5 years before becoming a cop. Now my marriage is even stronger after the job. It’s always about communication. I know everyone hears it, but then everyday I see people who don’t do it. I don’t think marriage is for everyone because of that. Emotional survival was huge for us and knowing what to expect and good coping mechanisms. I got great advice from a cop who was married 43 years. He said that you can tell her everything but don’t put an expectation of fixing it on her, just ask her to support you through dealing with it. I tell my wife everything and even show her videos, but I always tell her how I train to deal with it. There’s no way of getting around the hard ships of this job, there’s just finding healthy ways of dealing with them.
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Old 05-18-2018, 11:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 71MUSTY View Post
This,I know lots and lots of LEO's current and retired still on wife #1.


I have always spent my time off with and on my family. Lots of friends spent their time off golfing and doing other things to avoid their family.

Life is what you (not your job or friends) make it.
^This^

Once I built up seniority and comp/vacation time I made it a priority to take at least month off every year when the kids were out of school and travel the country with the family in our RV, hiking, fishing and visiting state and national parks. My children are all grown now and starting their own families, but they still talk about how much they enjoyed this, how much they learned and how it built family bonds.
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Old 05-18-2018, 11:33 PM
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Stay faithful to your marriage vows is the best way to stay married. Too many guys fall victim to the readily available donut dollies. Keep your zipper closed and don’t fool around.
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Old 05-19-2018, 6:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Rogue187 View Post
Where could one find that book?
It sounds like a book that should be in every cops library.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spanky8601 View Post
https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_s...d=YZGUSUSKPX1X

Just in case I messed up the cut and paste... It is on Amazon. Just FYI 45 years married to the same lady.
Yup.

My union actually has a regular and ready stock of them and they are given to every new, graduating recruit whether they are hired on with us or not. More often than not, the books are used as kindling or forgotten about which is a shame.
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Old 05-20-2018, 10:55 AM
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When I was working Patrol, I was THIS close to being divorced (of course, she didn't tell me then, she told me later... ) - 4.5 years of Tues/Wed/Thurs days off while working PM shift (wife and kids were gone when I woke up and asleep when I got home) can do that...
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Old 05-20-2018, 4:47 PM
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Been married over 30 years. Retired in 2011. I never brought the job home or commiserated with co-workers after shift and never talked shop with the boy'os. Stayed close to the Lord and made sure I regularly hung out with friends who weren't only on the job.

Last edited by Kraviwannabe; 05-20-2018 at 4:50 PM..
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Old 05-21-2018, 11:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sikvenum93 View Post
Iíve been with my current department for about a year now. In that time Iíve seen six Deputies get divorced, that I know of. My beat partner told me itís just been a bad streak for us but Iím a bit unsettled. Iím not married and I feel like getting divorced as a LEO is almost an inevitable part of my future. Is my department unlucky? Or is this the norm?


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That is norm. What I see and it just might be anecdotal. You got a job that pays really well and that girl who was a Prom Queen or a Varsity Cheerleader and did not give you a second look in HS is now hot for you and that potential of you making $100K.

Most police jobs put you in the top 5% of wage earners in the country. Money draws a lot of honey. Beware my friend!
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Old 05-21-2018, 11:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by I Swan View Post
I wonder if it is higher divorce rate among LE or military? I thought LE suicide rate was a bit higher than average too?
Suicides can be prevented. It is all about how to handle PSTD. I had at least one classmate commit suicide after about 4 years on the job. Several others for various reasons.

If you worry about what people think of you, be a fireman. Policework is not good if you are thin skinned.
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Old 05-22-2018, 1:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sikvenum93 View Post
Iíve been with my current department for about a year now. In that time Iíve seen six Deputies get divorced, that I know of. My beat partner told me itís just been a bad streak for us but Iím a bit unsettled. Iím not married and I feel like getting divorced as a LEO is almost an inevitable part of my future. Is my department unlucky? Or is this the norm?


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Two of my best friends and partners are going through divorces right now too. Like the old saying goes, "your not a real cop until your on your third wife."

I think it's just a tough job to be someone's significant other. Cheating is pretty common which doesn't help. My two friends were both faithful but their wives just couldn't hang. Cops also tend to be attracted to crazy chicks for some reason.

This a reason I have been hesitant to get married. I don't want my 3% at 50 to turn into 1.5% at 50.
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Old 05-22-2018, 2:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by esy View Post
2nd a lot of the advice posted.

Communication is key. No surprise that this hasnít changed regardless of the profession.



There are other sources such as emotional intelligence that is being circulated a lot now too.

www.blueeq.com
He came and spoke at our dept a few years ago. He seemed like a super good dude. Gave out some good advice I needed to hear as a young cop. His speeches and book are good for spouses as well.
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Old 05-22-2018, 3:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Kraviwannabe View Post
Been married over 30 years. Retired in 2011. I never brought the job home or commiserated with co-workers after shift and never talked shop with the boy'os. Stayed close to the Lord and made sure I regularly hung out with friends who weren't only on the job.

This....been married 38 years, I'm a husband, father, grandfather, firearm nut, fisherman, biker, Christian who happens to be a cop.
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Old 05-22-2018, 7:15 PM
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This a reason I have been hesitant to get married. I don't want my 3% at 50 to turn into 1.5% at 50 60.
Fixed that for you
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Old 05-22-2018, 7:59 PM
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I was married to my ex for 17 years and on the job well before that. My divorce had nothing to do with the job and had everything to do with her becoming a freaking whack job. Had to get away from that nonsense. She even wrote a letter to the Sheriff telling him I should be fired because I was divorcing her.

Been with this wife for 20+ a couple years living together and life is the best it has ever been. Marriage is a two way street and like said above, it is what you make of it. It's not always perfect but when you can work out your conflicts that makes it even better.
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Old 05-23-2018, 3:38 AM
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Originally Posted by zeddy View Post
When I worked patrol, I really enjoyed it. Loved it actually to the point where I put my job before my family. After things at home started going bad, made the decision to transfer to courts, A+ schedule. Will never put the job before my family again. Family life is good again.

One thing I have noticed, when I worked patrol, more than half the station was divorced. At courts, you'll one or two getting divorced. But Those that are, divorced while working patrol or at a specialized unit.

Never put the job before your family. If something happens, dept will hang you high and dry. Family will always be there for you.
^^^I agree


I've been at my job for 11+ years. I was married for 3 years before I started my career. My first daughter was born right before I started. Being the only source of income (my wife was a stay at home mom, her choice of course), I began to pull OT like a crazed mad man. Fast forward a few years, my wife starts telling me that I've changed as a person.

At around the same time, I got hit with an IA and realized then that the department can careless about me. I was just another expendable body for the bus to run over. I now work my normal work schedule and whatever "mandatory" OT I'm forced to work.

My wife and kids notices that I'm a much more happy person when I'm on vacation and spending valuable time with them, so I tend to take a whole bunch of those. I've now been married for 14 years and I hope it's the first and last.
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