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  #1  
Old 06-24-2013, 4:22 PM
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Default What can I do to help?

Hello fellow calgunners. Im in a predicement and need help as I really don't know what to do. Here's the problem. My girlfriends sister (who is 14) is going out with so called "friends" getting drunk and doing drugs. I have some of the first and last names of the people who supply her with drugs and alchohol. Is there any way I can Get these scumbags in jail or something? Btw, her parents aren't doing anything about it because they don't know what do do, so if I can help get rid of the suppliers then the problem will be gone I think. And I really don't need trolls in this thread, I worry for her saftey a lot. Thankyou.
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Old 06-24-2013, 4:32 PM
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IMO, more than anything, the 14 year old needs to be straightened out...
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Old 06-24-2013, 4:59 PM
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Your "thinking" is wrong.

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Originally Posted by ziconceo View Post
Hello fellow calgunners. Im in a predicement and need help as I really don't know what to do. Here's the problem. My girlfriends sister (who is 14) is going out with so called "friends" getting drunk and doing drugs. I have some of the first and last names of the people who supply her with drugs and alchohol. Is there any way I can Get these scumbags in jail or something? Btw, her parents aren't doing anything about it because they don't know what do do, so if I can help get rid of the suppliers then the problem will be gone I think. And I really don't need trolls in this thread, I worry for her saftey a lot. Thankyou.
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Old 06-24-2013, 5:40 PM
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Samuel, I agree. How how would you go about it?
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Old 06-24-2013, 5:42 PM
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Jdben, if anything its still sickning that these people are still out on the street selling illegal stuff and hurting people. And that is why I am looking for help
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Old 06-24-2013, 5:55 PM
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No cookie cutter answer. Maybe try to figure out Why she is doing what she is doing and go from there. Be ready for a bunch of worms to jump out...
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Old 06-24-2013, 5:58 PM
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Originally Posted by ziconceo View Post
Jdben, if anything its still sickning that these people are still out on the street selling illegal stuff and hurting people. And that is why I am looking for help
If you have good information that illegal activity is occurring, you can always report it. That being said, you are never going to be able to remove all negative influences and opportunities for poor decision making from her life...
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Old 06-24-2013, 6:20 PM
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Samuel, I agree. How how would you go about it?
Parenting is a huge sacrifice... what are the parents willing to do to make sure the child is on the right path?

I like the positive/negative reinforcement method. You do good things.... good things come i.e. own bedroom, computer, internet, cell phone, car, go out w/friends etc.

You do bad things bad things come i.e. none of the above. You get food on the table, basic clothes, and a bed with clean sheets. None of the privledges listed, above only the bare necessities. IF the child likes sports, going out with friends, or anything unnecessary it gets taken away.

If the problem is the child leaves school, no one to account for them. Take a while off work and sit through school with them; (HUGE SACRIFICE).

14 is that age where physical discipline is generally not the answer (DONT BEAT YOUR KIDS THERE IS A FINE LINE BETWEEN PHYSICAL DISCIPLINE AND CHILD ABUSE DONT PUSH IT AND PUT YOUR FREEDOM IN JEOPARDY). They are small adults at this age, just some more mature than others.

What is your child's upbringing/future worth...

(Just a thought not a recommendation).
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  #9  
Old 06-24-2013, 7:11 PM
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You will never limit her access to supply effectively and will only distance yourself in attempts to do so. Tread carefully.

There are plenty of places online to get parenting advice on this subject. Generally I would suggest you worry less about the paraphernalia and worry more about things that will help her safety. If she legitimately believes she can call you for help, a ride, or someone to talk to when she is partying but feels unsafe that will be a pretty meaningful victory.

As much as you'd like to limit the choices she can make this is pretty much never effective. You need to help her make better decisions herself and that means treating her like a young adult; having a less authoritarian conversation than you probably want to have.

Good luck, I hope she stays safe!
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Old 06-24-2013, 9:54 PM
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I think some people have misunderstood me, she is my girlfriends sister. I'm not the father haha.Also, if no one reported these people then they would be every where. I believe it does make an impact if you get a couple people off the street. This one guy actually came up to my girlfriends parents house in his truck, picked her up (the 14 year old sister schedualed this) and she got in the truck with him. We then later found messages saying she was doing drugs and drinking with him. He is over 18, isn't giving drugs to someone 14 or younger a felony?
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Old 06-25-2013, 9:42 AM
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Low level dope dealing is quite common these days. If you live in an area with dope problems your local PD probably won't be interested. Every county usually has a dope task force and you could get a hold of them but don't bother if you don't have addresses, lic plates, or names. Penalties for dealing dope is nothing nowadays thanks to the people who voted for Prop 36.

As far as the lifestyle of the 14 year-old. Good luck. Her parents are obviously not doing their job and other than an intervention by family and professionals, she will be a future customer of our tax dollars.
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Old 06-25-2013, 10:46 AM
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It isn't the suppliers or BF who is the problem. Even if they were removed, she would just find replacements.

There is an underlying family issue at play here that has caused her to make the decisions she is making. From your OP, there is likely a family dynamic you are unaware of. There are a number of County or church related services that her family can get in touch with if they want more informatioin
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Old 06-25-2013, 1:46 PM
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So my Gf just reported one of the guys that was dealing to her...he gave girls foodies and raped them. That is the kind of people she hangs out with...this is NOT low level dope dealing, its much more
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Old 06-25-2013, 3:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Samuelx View Post
IMO, more than anything, the 14 year old needs to be straightened out...
^^ This

I could not get away with that garbage growing up. In the same sentiment, I would not put up with either. Time for some serious disciplining.
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Old 06-25-2013, 3:43 PM
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^^ This

I could not get away with that garbage growing up. In the same sentiment, I would not put up with either. Time for some serious disciplining.
This. You dont seem to recognize that the problem is really with the sister and not with everyone else. I'm not saying they arent scum, but if she isn't straightened out you can remove the scum all you want but she'll simply find new ones...that is the person she is. For whatever reason she's broken and trying to remove these bad influences is like pouring an alcoholic's drink down the sink...sure they may not be able to finish that one but they'll find another.

Honestly, if the parents aren't willing to do anything then you and your girlfriend either need to be willing to step up and be her parents or try to get her help elsewhere.

Stop worrying about the boyfriends.
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Old 06-25-2013, 8:45 PM
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Ok, well The parents aren't doing anything. Its like they don't even care for her which is really sad. They act like it doesn't even happen. I need to have something I can put to the table incase I need to teach them how to deal with this issue myself. Are there any programs you guys would recommend? I think she needs to be put on that show "beyond scared straight" (or however you spell it)
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Old 06-26-2013, 12:15 PM
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Ok, well The parents aren't doing anything. Its like they don't even care for her which is really sad. They act like it doesn't even happen. I need to have something I can put to the table incase I need to teach them how to deal with this issue myself. Are there any programs you guys would recommend? I think she needs to be put on that show "beyond scared straight" (or however you spell it)
As a high school teacher, I deal with this on a daily basis. This problem has been in the making for 14 years and it will not be quickly fixed by you or any other caring outsider.

She has probably been identified at her school as an "at-risk" student. From what you describe, I am sure the school has contacted her parents over discipline problems and grades. Having been a teacher on these student success teams more times than I care to remember (all thanks to your tax dollars and our feel good politicians) the parents have been offered parenting classes (paid for by our tax dollars), the daughter has been offered counseling and drug rehab (paid for by our tax dollars) and all sorts of other assistance (paid for by our tax dollars). After a few meetings, when nothing has changed, the parents quit attending and the student's behavior gets worse.

The next chance to get the student's attention is her arrest. If that does not do it, then some other traumatic event.

You are not going to teach her parents how to be parents. I am over 50 and deal very effectively with teens. I get them to behave when their parents cannot. I and other teachers like me cannot get parents to understand how to parent their teens. We all have even successfully parented our teens to adulthood.

LE resources are spread so thin that we have a hard time arresting all the students caught with drugs on our campus. We have our own SRO and she spends half her time transporting students arrested for offenses far worse than simple possession. Those arrested for possession or low level dealing, get probation because there is no place to house them. They know it. They will also learn quickly that it was you who is ratting them out and you will become the one they target. The your GF's parents will turn on you, and your GF might do the same. It is a very old story.
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Old 06-26-2013, 12:42 PM
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^ so what should I do? I thought the police were supposed to crack down on this kind of stuff more severly....Don't making arrests and giving out tickets help fund you officers? Wouldn't busting these people help you out financially? I'm so confused :/
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Old 06-26-2013, 12:50 PM
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You're misunderstanding on quite a few different levels.

Re the criminals you're so concerned about, go talk to local law enforcement.
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Old 06-26-2013, 1:05 PM
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if those suppliers still free then probably the police has nothing on them. your word is not an evidence and your girl friend daughter most probably will not cooperate. if you have friends you may try to scare those guys sort of "the girl does not worth the consequences if you do not leave her". but it is a risky business. in my opinion the best way is if you have a friend in law incorcement to talk friendly to those guys that it is in their best interest to leave the girl alone.they may understand friendly talk if it comes from the law enforcement officer.
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  #21  
Old 06-26-2013, 1:24 PM
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When asked similar questions like this, I usually advise people to continue to contact local LE when incidents occur. Even if nothing comes of it, an incident report will still be filed and then if criminal charges are levied, there will be a record of behavior for the District Attorney to look at and hopefully motivate them to pursue a conviction.

As far as the minor's behavior, as others have said, it's likely that she isn't using simply because it's available. All criminal behavior is based on needs, social, economic, mental health, etc etc. If those needs aren't being met (must likely the fact that her parents aren't being parents) then she will continue to pursue criminal activity utilizing other suppliers of controlled substances even if the current people get locked up.

I know it's not something you or your GF probably prefer but reporting the minor as well as the dealers may be a way to get an informal probation case going with her which would make available to the minor and her parents services to treat the minor's drug and alcohol problem as well as parenting skills for her parents.

Many people are against reporting family or friends to LE because they are afraid of saddling them with a life-long record, however, in the case of minors, misdomeanor adjudications rarely follow you past age 21. In my department (I work Adult Probation, but have a little exposure to Juvenile Services) the minor and parents will meet with a juv. Probation Officer prior to any court action being taken and discuss options for the minor and parents, and many times in cases like this, there is no prosecution of the minor.

Just food for thought.
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Old 06-26-2013, 1:57 PM
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Be as supportive and trustworthy as you can and trust her to make her own decisions. You can advise her that you do not agree with what she is doing, but it is her decision. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped, but you can inform them and trust that they will find their way back.

She's still young and testing boundaries. I'm sure that no one here was exactly a saint while growing up.

You also give her ultimatums or "if you continue to do this, you do not deserve to be in our lives" or take away the safety nets and stick by it. Do not give in.

Eventually, she will decide what is more important in her life. You cannot teach a person if you cannot make them understand and agree to the logic.
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Old 06-26-2013, 2:31 PM
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@Samuelx You're probably right on that one lol

@APV All the people I know that were in law enforcement are retired so i dont think that would work..unless I could get some random officer to help me out I would just have to "okay" it with her parents as I dont think they would appreciate me bringing a cop to their house without warning.

@omgwtfbbq That's one of the main things I'm kinda wondering is who do I report it to? do I call 911 or the sherrif directly?

@anbu_yoshi Both my friend and I have done that to her with no effect whatsoever. I do like the ultimatum idea, I think punishment is the only way to get through to her now because so far positive reinforcement hasn't done anything.

Thank you all for you answers so far, If I can get this problem resolved it would take a lot of stress off of my shoulders
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Old 06-26-2013, 2:40 PM
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You are correct. Some people must fall, fall very hard, to realize what is going on.

You, yourself must ask "Do I really need this in my life?" If not then cut her loose, if yes then you must accept this nonsense from her.

Maturity is often painful to the soul, but that is the price that we pay for logic and reason.
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Old 06-26-2013, 2:44 PM
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The problem is that Ittl still effect me even if I "cut her loose" she is in a room right next to my gfs room and the second hand smoke is getting in there which infuriates both of us to no end.
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Old 06-26-2013, 2:58 PM
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The problem is that Ittl still effect me even if I "cut her loose" she is in a room right next to my gfs room and the second hand smoke is getting in there which infuriates both of us to no end.
btw, is there a chance that her friends are not criminals but rather same type of wild youngsters having fun? I guess wait a bit. There are guys with law enforcement background on this forum that may advise, give them a chance.
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Old 06-26-2013, 3:02 PM
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@APV so if i put a suppressor on my rifle and shot it in my backyard would that count as: "wild youngsters having fun?" just curious...
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Old 06-26-2013, 3:12 PM
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@APV so if i put a suppressor on my rifle and shot it in my backyard would that count as: "wild youngsters having fun?" just curious...
my first wild guess it would not. One of my friends used to work with drugs addicted and parolies in the past. I will call him with that situation and ask for his opinion.
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Old 06-26-2013, 3:22 PM
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1) Sounds like parents are either giving up due to being at their wit's end or they didn't really care to begin with if there is "second hand smoke" in her bedroom!

2) If you know who is actually selling her dope and where she buys it at, you can always give that to the narcotics team in your area.

3) As some have suggested, have a frank conversation with her about her life (preferably thiswould be done by someone she respects). Beyond that... she may have to learn from the school of hard knocks herself
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Old 06-26-2013, 3:35 PM
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The problem is that Ittl still effect me even if I "cut her loose" she is in a room right next to my gfs room and the second hand smoke is getting in there which infuriates both of us to no end.
Wait, wait. They live with their parents? Nothing you can do about that. Her parents, their choice to intervene.

The reality of the situation is rather than fixing her, you both leave. You may want to chat with your gf to see if she should leave with you or you just don't go there at all and have your gf come to you.

Young ones think they're invincible. She needs to understand that the consequences of her decisions are real and not empty threats. No different than training a dog.
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  #31  
Old 06-26-2013, 4:12 PM
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The problem is that Ittl still effect me even if I "cut her loose" she is in a room right next to my gfs room and the second hand smoke is getting in there which infuriates both of us to no end.
The simple answer, if it bothers you, is to leave. It only affects you if you choose to let it.
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Old 06-26-2013, 4:20 PM
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@APV cool, thanks

@CBR_rider 1) yes, i believe you are correct
2) how do I contact a narcotics team?

@anbu_yoshi yes, the troubled one is 14 and my gf is 17. and trust me, we are both leaving asap but im trying to find a solution that will work in the mean time.

@9mmepiphany Cant leave yet :/
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Old 06-27-2013, 11:42 AM
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OP, my friend is on vacation out of the area for two weeks, so there is not much help of me. omgwtfbbq and jeremich12 seem to have the most relevant background to your question on this thread.
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Old 06-27-2013, 2:10 PM
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If you have good information that illegal activity is occurring, you can always report it. That being said, you are never going to be able to remove all negative influences and opportunities for poor decision making from her life...
^Yes, all of this, AND some patrol officers will either take your intel about the suppliers or tell you to provide that information to one of their narcotics officers. They can give you a specific voicemail to the drug officer or route you towards an anonymous tip line. Either way call the number you're given and leave ALL the information there. That's it. by doing that you have done MUCH MORE than the average citizen to try to alleviate a community problem. I echo Samuex and will add YOU CAN'T FIX HER, YOU CAN'T TALK SENSE INTO HER FAMILY, YOU CAN'T SAVE HER FROM HERSELF AND HER OWN SELF-DESTRUCTION. If you're a religious man PRAY for her and her family, If you're not then I know how helpless these situations can feel. Only she and those in charge of her can truly re-route her life.
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Old 06-28-2013, 9:17 AM
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Im in a predicement and need help as I really don't know what to do. Here's the problem. My girlfriends sister (who is 14) is ...
I got two POVs being a policeman and a long time parent ...

It is not your problem. "It is what it is".
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Old 06-28-2013, 9:27 AM
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@APV so if i put a suppressor on my rifle and shot it in my backyard would that count as: "wild youngsters having fun?" just curious...
On Market Street or Bum Falls, Oregon?

I was driving a car at 12 but it was not on Lombard Street. Your have a perspective based on where you grew up and the morals of your parents and your friends. So YMMV YOLO
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Old 06-28-2013, 10:47 AM
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Quote:
I got two POVs being a policeman and a long time parent ...

It is not your problem. "It is what it is".
It is my problem because my gf is around second hand smoke...
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  #38  
Old 06-28-2013, 12:38 PM
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Just because you choose to treat it as your problem, doesn't make it your problem
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  #39  
Old 06-28-2013, 12:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Jet Setter View Post
^^ This

I could not get away with that garbage growing up. In the same sentiment, I would not put up with either. Time for some serious disciplining.
Spank your kids America, spank your kids!

Same situation with a past neighbor 14 year old with an 18 bf, kid threatens to call police if parents spank them,.... What to do what to do?


Put the fear in them at a young age so they don't drift far enough to think they can do whatever they want , they need to fear something, be it you or god.

And by the time they hit 14 or early teenage years you won't have to spank them anymore, they will listen without having to be spanked.

Not all kids require a spanking, just the stubborn ones.
  #40  
Old 06-28-2013, 12:45 PM
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She's 14 now, maybe an intervention with the people she is close to, family friends.... Just a suggestion and I was in some what a similar situation, sometimes they have to learn on their own, I got involved for a bit, even lost some friends over it. Good luck...
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