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Ladies Forum A place for our female Calgunners to discuss, share and interact without the 'excess attention' sometimes found in online forums.

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  #1  
Old 07-14-2013, 10:48 AM
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Default Help needed from the CalGals: Overblown concerns with co-renting with a co-worker.

I thought I'd post this here rather then OT. The higher demograph of the fairer sex will undoubtedly have a more intelligent answer then there.

So...I have a problem. Two weeks ago I received a 30 day notice on my rental that I would be booted out by the end of the month because the property changed hands. With my current income level and the availability of property to move to became an unexpected issue.

A week and a half in, I still can't find somewhere within my price range by myself. As I explained this to a well known co-worker, she mentioned that her roommate would be out by the end of the month. She needed someone to help her split rent where she is and it's still local in the area. After all is said and done, I'd have twice the room and be paying a couple hundred less a month which is great. I informed her of my "sizeable" firearm collection and she is perfectly comfortable with it and actually prefers an armed occupant. I also asked if she would be comfortable with living with a guy and she replied that it wouldn't be a problem at all. We've worked with one another for well over a year. I certainly prefer living with someone I know then a total stranger living near my firearms.

Now here's the part that made start to think: When I first said I needed somewhere to go, her whole attitude went from ornery to bubbly/elated. I dismissed this as her solving her rent issue. Now after that point when I was confronted with her asking me if I decided on moving in, it was all smiles from her that shift. The next day when she came in, she wore her hair down and wear a light dusting of makeup. She was just as happy to see me...again.

I couldn't help but ask about it and she said it was nothing. She planned to go out later that night with a cousin. She still seemed unusually happy around me though.

Now fast forward to last Friday. I've already submitted the tenant application form to her landlord and was talking about it to another co-worker. When I got to the part joking about if her guy friend would be a bit jealous, I find out that moment that she has been divorced about a year. The last guy cheated on her behind her back.

......that last bit caught me off guard.

As for me, I've been single a long while and I can't remember if I've mentioned it at all while at work. By now you guys can imagine where this might be going.

Am I getting nervous over nothing here? Being clueless to women on some things, I can't help but feel I'm judging this the wrong way. At the same token, may very well be right on the clues. As for those of you that simply say "Why don't you just ask her?", I don't want to insult her and lose the rental proposition. I also have to work side by side with this individual, so ending up on the bad side of this could hurt operations on the job.

Ugh, the drama...
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Last edited by Swagman00; 07-14-2013 at 11:21 AM..
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  #2  
Old 07-14-2013, 11:11 AM
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Maybe she is just happy that there is a roommate. Period. I know that if I was in her position, I would be happy that I had a room mate I knew, They know their own way around security. I would make a statement that you do like your privacy and that work is work and if you don't talk to her at home it is not personal. You need OFF time as well as she does. Just be nice about it. I am sure it is nothing to worry about. Just make sure you both understand Work vs non work friendship. and nothing should come between you and your professional relationship. Just a quick roommate talk will get everyone on the same page.
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Old 07-14-2013, 11:14 AM
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she's happy for whatever reason. don't over think it.

just be a roommate, dont make jealous jokes, etc.

treat her like a guy roommate and you'll be fine.
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Old 07-14-2013, 11:36 AM
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Good points. I trust her just as much as she trusts me. I find it paramount when renting.

Certainly no jokes at all about jealous significant others anymore. I felt like a jerk after learning what happened to her. Poor girl...
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  #5  
Old 07-15-2013, 5:59 PM
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Well, there are some really obvious.....or at least should be obvious......things to consider.

Everyone has 'pet peeves' which may seem 'unreasonable' or even 'irrational', but are a 'fact of life' for them.........and they can relate to seemingly extremely 'trivial' details. Finding ways to learn about someone's 'pet peeves' carefully and tactfully, before finding out 'the hard way' is a challenge.

Playing music is one such.......some folks really need quiet after the stresses of their work day........other simply can't live without 'background music', and become uncomfortable in a quiet environment......its 'spooky' to them.

Another is the display of personal possessions, such as books or artwork......tastes differ......what makes an environment 'homey' to one person may make it 'cluttered with junk' to another.

Will you be sharing a kitchen and bathroom?

If either, you must arrange very clear delineation of responsibilities and obligations.....before someone becomes 'annoyed'.......its one of most important issues in shared living quarters. Some people have a 'fetish' for 'squeaky clean/spotless/freshly polished, with 'a place for everything, and everything in its place'.

Some folks just care about basic reasonable cleanliness......and some 'really mean to, but don't quite get around to it'.......and some women are every bit as lazy or distracted as some men, in that respect.

If you share quarters with a 'clean freak', you have no choice but to become an equally 'clean freak'......some people are 'obsessive-compulsive' about such things........others aren't.........its your responsibility, as the 'newbie' to adapt to the 'existing regime'.......and do it before 'subtle resentment' may have a chance to evolve.

A shared environment can be comforting and re-assuring, or it can become 'hell on earth', depending on the needs and feelings of the people involved.

In short........are you two sure you can be 'compatible' in your situation? The time to find that out is before you are committed.

cheers

Carla
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  #6  
Old 07-15-2013, 6:04 PM
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Why do I hear porn music...?!?!?!
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Old 07-15-2013, 6:08 PM
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I agree with the above that she's just happy to solve her rental situation with someone she knows and can trust.

That being said make sure you firmly plant yourself in the friend zone and don't cross it by being flirtatious, especially when drinking if you do.

Also, remember you work with this person, so you've gotta be extra cautious about being a good roommate, because even if things don't go well and you move out, you still work together.

Not saying I think you're that kind of person, but it's good to keep in mind that there are long-term repercussions to think about with this living situation.

Carry on

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  #8  
Old 07-15-2013, 6:21 PM
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Quote:
You can imagine what happens next
Quote:
He fixes the plumbing?
Just don't unpack everything too quickly right off the bat. If it feels increasingly weird it probably is, bail. If it works out just fine then, great. I wouldn't bring up any suspicions.
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  #9  
Old 07-15-2013, 6:51 PM
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listen to your inner self which is picking up cues.
make it clear that you appreciate being able to have a compatible roommate but don't want to jeopardize your friendship and/or working relationship. this can be done by simply stating, "I've always been leery of rooming with a friend, especially one I work with. what are the ground rules we're going to have about bringing dates home? also, I value my privacy and wouldn't want things that I do in private being discussed at work."
she may very well be just happy about having a good roommate. however, never hurts to make sure.....and like stated above: stay in the friend zone by being nothing more than a roommate/friend. no touching, no friends with benefits, no nothing.
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  #10  
Old 07-15-2013, 8:00 PM
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Dude here, you might want to wait a little bit before jumping to conclusions. It could be a combination of things. Play it out slowly so you don't embarrass yourself.
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Old 07-16-2013, 10:12 AM
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It could simply be that this woman has been stressing out about money, now she won't need to be so she took the extra few dollars she knows she has to get some new make-up and a new haircut, when stress gets off of my back, I know I feel like a new woman.

It could also could have been a very ugly divorce and knowing she has a man with guns in the house makes her feel at ease.

Dunno. Its a bit early to tell and looks like she is not the one stirring the drama pot.
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  #12  
Old 07-16-2013, 5:24 PM
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Okay, time for an update.

I found out that she's already had a squeeze for the last six months. That fixes one problem, but another problem developed...

I never said a word about this. Over the last week, other co-workers have asked me if I was really moving in with her. I have to admit my jaw dropped as I heard how fast this has spread like wildfire.

So...once I had a moment I talked to her. In private for a few minutes. Apparently, it started with a few people then moved on towards other shifts from the two or three people she shared it with, and so on, and on, and on...

Good lord, don't people have something to do with their lives?

Than my boss caught word.

That was a tough one to explain.
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  #13  
Old 07-16-2013, 6:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Swagman00 View Post
Okay, time for an update.

I found out that she's already had a squeeze for the last six months. That fixes one problem, but another problem developed...

I never said a word about this. Over the last week, other co-workers have asked me if I was really moving in with her. I have to admit my jaw dropped as I heard how fast this has spread like wildfire.

So...once I had a moment I talked to her. In private for a few minutes. Apparently, it started with a few people then moved on towards other shifts from the two or three people she shared it with, and so on, and on, and on...

Good lord, don't people have something to do with their lives?

Than my boss caught word.

That was a tough one to explain.
Meh, I work in a prison and you'd be surprised how quickly gossip travels. I'm not sure how it's any of your boss' business. You shouldn't have to explain anything.
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Old 07-16-2013, 7:50 PM
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Ok so people at work have potty on their minds. As with any other roommate rental agreement, you have to be able to discuss your concerns, rule etc... Before you give the deposit.

Have a signed agreement, kitchen privileges, meaning food, if she/you buys it, it is not communal property, unless you make something a free for all, like spaghetti. Cookies etc...

Rules regarding bringing home someone who most likely will be spending the night.

Laundry, cleaning schedules, expectations is what you need to discuss. Also since you 2 work together, make a rule that stuff that happens at home does not get brought up at work PERIOD. Keep it professional. Who knows you might like her squeeze and enjoy hanging out with THE BOTH of them.

Open lines of communication. That is what works. If you or she can't say it to each other the deal is off. Make sure you both sign and agree on your house rules. Then everything is perfect.

PS the boss is just curious, either he likes gossip and unfortunately believes gossip, or he is just making sure it does not interfere with work I.e. the both of you are dating and living together would be a red flag for a bosses point of view.

Enjoy your new place who knows you might just live there for 2-10 years.
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Old 07-17-2013, 7:32 AM
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Ladyrr spells it out correctly.

also, shouldn't be that hard to explain to a boss that there is no romantic involvement and therefore no need for his concern about your personal life.

and you might want to have a conversation with your new roomie that you like your personal life to be private and that talking about you in any way shape or form isn't going to make for a good situation.
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Old 07-17-2013, 9:26 AM
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Sorry but this has horrible idea written all over it. For all of the same reasons you do not date someone you work with you also should not live with someone you work with. First, you will not have an escape from that person at work...you're going to be around them at the apt and also at work. This can get to be WAY too much just on its own. Add in if you or she begin to get on the other's nerves, then your situation will turn even worse.

The other thing to worry about is that she is apparently talking about the situation to other people. She is going to talk about other things that happen when you live with her...do not assume that she will keep things to herself, especially if you somehow upset her and she can easily bring your dirty laundry into work...and you've already seen how quickly those rumors can spread.

Do yourself a favor and keep your living/dating arrangements separate from where you work...you DO NOT want to mix the two. Yes, it may turn out wonderful and things could be rosy but there is a good chance it wont and you risk bringing that into your workplace...and its not something that will go away once you move out of her place.
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Old 07-18-2013, 4:57 PM
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If you don't work directly together, then I don't see how it would be any different than say working at a mall and rooming with someone that worked one store over.
If you work directly together, that's sketchy for the reason Lifeon2whls said.

But as far as her being excited. I think it's more of 'omg someone that I know and trust and who will pay rent on time'.
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Old 07-18-2013, 5:38 PM
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She's not making a play for you.

When I got out of the military ,I had a month and change to kill before I moved to the city where I would finish my degree.My pal graciously let me stay at his home in that time,which meant I got to live with him-and his wife.

She had the hots for me.That's not hearsay-it came from the horses mouth one crazy weekend.Her first reaction to me was icy indifference,not blatant happiness.
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Old 07-29-2013, 6:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Swagman00 View Post
Okay, time for an update.

I found out that she's already had a squeeze for the last six months. That fixes one problem, but another problem developed...

I



Actually that's not a fixed problem...


No man in his right mind would be happy to have his girlfriend with another man under her roof.

If she tells him, "I needed a roommate because of my finances" he would immediately wonder, "why didn't you ask me to move in with you? We've been dating over six months now, doesn't that count for anything? You go with him? What's going on with the two of you? Do you like him?" If he doesn't wonder that, then he's barely a man or he's just oblivious and ignorant to human nature.


You have no idea how the guy is going to take it, or what may await down the road in regards to his relationship with her. Say the two of you get drunk and fool around, she doesn't want to lose her boyfriend so she claims you raped her or otherwise took advantage of her.


Basic human nature and an understanding of the concept of propinquity strongly suggests that you will end up romantically involved with the woman at some point, especially if you wind up sharing a dwelling with her, particularly in light of the fact that you already work together.

People have a tendency to form intimate relationships with those with whom they spend a great amount of time.

If you're fine with the idea that you will probably wind up in a romantic/physical relationship with her at some point, then by all means, proceed. If you absolutely do not want to be involved with her on a romantic level, then do not move in with her.
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Old 07-31-2013, 12:10 AM
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It's only as dramatic as you make it out to be. Don't make assumptions, rush into things and screw things up. If you get into a relationship and it turns sour, not only do you work with her, your also living with her. Someone will end up moving, quitting or both.
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